Mentally drained.

I didn't realize how exhausted I would be. This is all so emotionally draining.

I spent three hours in an interagency meeting with the IU yesterday to determine his educational placement. I think I made the right choice on how to approach it. Tomorrow I meet with the new school.

He argues with me over everything. It doesn't matter if it's trivial or important - he has to have the last word, and he has to feel like he is in control. He pouts, whines, and throws tantrums. It's not impossible to handle, and he's not violent... it's just absolutely exhausting. Some days he is so agreeable, and others feel like a battle all day long. He mutters under his breath about how things are unfair. He hasn't yet learned how to ask for what he needs or wants without being passive aggressive in this way. He reluctantly responds if I cue him. On some days I am better equipped to deal with it without taking the bait.

Every day - every hour - is a new lesson about how things work in a functional family. Yes, you are expected to take out the recycling. Yes, you are expected to fold your clothes and put them back in your drawer if they are not dirty. Yes, you are expected to take your dish to the sink and rinse it after a meal. Yes, you are expected to make your bed every day. He does not have a good sense of what a kid should be expected to do, and he is always on the lookout in case we would take advantage of him. Every day is a never-ending cycle of quietly living consistently into being believed and trusted. If plans change unexpectedly, even for reasons beyond my control, I am treated as if I knew all along and lied to him.

He is used to having to be sneaky to get his needs met. He is slowly (ever so slowly) learning that if he tries to sneak screen time early, he will not get it at all. He tries to use semantics - I told him he cannot have two of the same snack, but one pack of fruit snacks was grape and one was strawberry, so that's technically not the same. He technically had no fruit snacks that day and had to pick something different.  He has been denied food as punishment, though, so I have to be careful about what I do in this respect. He has the ability to go on a major hunger strike, too, which doesn't help at all.

And interspersed through all of this, he will have a great time with his sister, have a successful riding or swimming lesson or tae kwon do class. He will run up to me arms outstretched with a huge grin on his face. He is standing on the very structure against which he fights tooth and nail.

It's getting better, little by little... but I can't remember the last time my brain was this tired.