Decapitated Poultry.

I haven't even had time to breathe this week. Visits, meetings, tae kwon do, horseback riding lessons, doctor appointments... I'm sure we ate and slept somewhere in the interim. A few moments from the week:
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We had another song moment this week. He really does see himself in music.  I wasn't paying attention to the song he was singing along to, and from the back seat I heard him say, "This song is me too, Mom! Listen to it!"

This was what had just played:

Guess it's true, I'm not good at a one-night stand
But I still need love 'cause I'm just a man
These nights never seem to go to plan
I don't want you to leave, will you hold my hand

 

Oh, won't you stay with me
'Cause you're all I need
This ain't love, it's clear to see
But, darling, stay with me

 

 He forever changes the way I hear these songs. 

 

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He has been going to tae kwon do twice a week. Today he asked me when he's going to learn to blend. I thought I heard him wrong. 

"When you're going to what?"

"Blend. You know, blend."

"No dude, I don't. What do you mean?"

"You know, like when you blend into walls and stuff and nobody can see you. When are we going to do that?"

 

 

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Working with agencies is so hard. There are fifteen different adults - caseworkers, visitation workers, adoption agency workers, therapists. Everyone wants a piece and has to meet with him and with us. He gets so frustrated with the parade of people who want a piece of his time to check in. He gets home so late already, and there is no way to have these visits and still be able to do his activities.  The surliness that comes as a result makes me have to navigate the rocky road between forcing manners that he has been taught to observe in our house and being allowed to have a healthy expression of his anger about being in this situation. He gets furious with me when he feels like I am not defending him against this invasion into our home. The whole thing is just so messy. 

 

 

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He does pick up on the manners, though. I am relieved to see him so respectful of his tkd master - he never complains at having to do a specfic exercise or repetition of his forms, and every response has a "Sir" tacked on to the end. When he got himself turned around trying to learn the rest of form 1 tonight, I watched him take a deep breath and collect himself before starting over. Two times. Four times. I see him learning to manage it.

 

The bigger challenge has been how to get him to hit the release valve.  He does not deal with his emotions - the anger, the grief, the confusion. He shoves them all down, and they leak out. We are trying to teach him that he can face these emotions without them sweeping him into oblivion. They just feel so big to him, and I am sure that he feels that he will be crushed under their weight. They make him feel out of control. I do not think that he has ever been encouraged to find the middle ground between shoving it all down and completely surrendering control to the rage and grief.